Wow can a Mercury retrograde add some fuel to looking at what is needed to be completed in many aspects of our life, but now we are having a bonfire with 5 planets in retrograde roaring with a laundry list of things to clean up! What lovely topic keeps popping up for me to write about......Self-Esteem. It will be hard, but I am going to try to be neutral.
I have joined a gym, and it is fabulous this time. I find myself missing it if I do not go. I love that there are people rehabilitating, getting in shape, and those who are super healthy lifting weights and jumping around like super man or woman (Yes, I have seen both genders jumping across the room). Yet get a group of people together, and we all start looking at everyone....and even sometimes comparing.
Some of us get competitive with other people. Some of us hide our bodies in shame. Some of us show off our bodies to get attention. Some of us feel good about how we look, and our confidence is glowing. I so want to fully embody the last one. I feel like at 44, I am more and more coming into that place where I can love myself deeper. The positive and the negative. That self-love is not easy. It's a deep calmness that blesses me every so often. Just the other day a friend commented in her wisdom that confidence is sexy. I wonder what it would be like to embody it always? I think that life partners sometimes more than other people reflect the best and worst of us!
My favorite quote I heard on the tread mill was "what would you do if the zombie apocalypse happened? How would you feel about your body then?" Now they were teasing and challenging each other in a healthy way to get the other to run faster than them. But this got me thinking...about that non-healthy negative self-talk. You know the one where you say you’re not strong enough. You have a big this or that...you have a small this or that. Let alone the actual number that is on the scale. Then you start comparing yourself to others. That person has beautiful hair. That person has too big of a butt. They have this or that...that I don't have. That unconscious zombie self talk that just pours through our minds, and most of the time we are not even aware of it. That is not even the worst of it. Where we put our energy is like a direct manifestation to spirit. This is what I want to create. Do I really want to tell the universe every day 10x a day that I really don't like my self or others, conscious or unconscious?
I find judgement, whether it is directed at you or someone else, creates this negative feedback loop. It starts with the negative picking at yourself...self-talk that can happen for whatever reason triggers it. The worst part is it spills out into how you view others. Then energetically that negative self-talk is this black goo that you have sent to someone else. As a sensitive, have you ever felt this negative inner voice, and you said to yourself, "that sounds like that person I know"? Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. It would be nothing you would ever say to yourself. You feel this darkness surround you like a cloud. Then you meditate, dance, talk to a good friend or healer, or surround yourself in nature and it all dissolves.
We all let negative self-talk, jealousy, snide comments, passive aggressive attitudes and beliefs limit our way we experience the world. These pre-judgements may block our ability to learn, grow, and experience others in a more profound and deep way. I have said in so many different situations our pre-judgements about others are always wrong. Let me say judgements are different than intuition. Judgements come from a dark, not enough place. Intuition if a person or thing is not good for you comes from a light place. So the next time you have a mindless thought about someone on the street you may not know what they are really going through. Someone in a homeless camp that you make the judgement “they are a drug addict” because they are dirty and skinny, may be someone who can’t afford rent and has to live in their car! As well as being in a gym and someone who is in our society considered "fat" is running her heart out and you make the judgement of her being lazy, but really she may have a disease that prevents her from losing weight!
Self-Acceptance and Self-Love are a deep path of the inner journey. There are many roads to take to it....but they all lead to a calmness that is like a velvet blanket that comforts our inner critic and makes our inner god or goddess shine. So my question to you this time is: What things do you not do because your evil twin starts to talk you out of it? Where do you stop yourself from fully engaging in a powerful moment with another because the negative self-talk starts this inner dialogue that does not let you fully engage? I challenge all of us to find something that we are afraid of doing, and start to do it. Fully engage with your best friend, partner, or family. When you start to see the black cloud from you or them, give it love, acknowledge it, speak it out load to whoever is witnessing (maybe it is your cat) hug it and let it go. Because what if our universe consisted of everyone deeply loving all parts of themselves?
Here are some of my musings about health, life, and spirituality!